My heart is my own again,
It was like that once,
All mine.
Forgotten to everyone but me.
But then he stole it,
Handled it carelessly,
Buried it deep within his prison walls.
I escaped though,
Reclaimed the freedom owed
To a fighting woman.
To a free woman.
To a woman who learned to love…
Herself…
Before any him.
Source: Santuario, Ana Maria (2023). Safer Shores of Me. Faith in Change Publishing, London.
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About the poem…
I was seduced by a psychopath, a man who spun webs of deceit, whose very character was a façade, a mask full of masks. He was good at playing the role of my dream coming true, he perfected the looks of love, longing, curiosity, fascination and desire. Sadly, he used everything I ever told him and burned me with it, he destroyed my wholesome reputation with lie upon lie, and used my need for safety to steal my money with ‘investment’ promises.
He found every weak spot, every need, vulnerability and pain, and worked it to his advantage. Initially, shock was the prevalent response once I woke up to his abuse, this covert inception of my life. Trust had been broken, more than anything I lost trust in myself, in my ability to judge character, to respond appropriately to danger, to say no to a person who was figuratively milking me dry.
It was scary and it forced greater and deeper introspection than any other meeting. I was vulnerable, that much had been revealed, because I saw my own reflection in him. I saw generosity, kindness, honesty and love. I saw what I gave to him as him giving it to me. It was all backwards and it woke me up to the reality that safety must never be sought from another, for then it may dissipate overnight and leave you despairing, and perhaps clinging to a rotten human being who is not ever going to be anything but dangerous.
The world is your perfect mirror, where you see suffering, find where it sits in yourself; where you see hatred, seek out that which you hate about yourself? If you are trustworthy, begin asking the question, does that really mean you can trust others? The biggest lesson I learned was to not give trust freely, but to let someone reveal why they are trustworthy. I learned to stop seeing my Self and to see The Other instead, for it was infinitely safer and led to the development of safety found in independence.
The world will tell us we are societal as a species, that human connection is vital, but there is a balance to be honored. Surely independence trumps codependent states of living, those that would have you allow abuse, narcissistic rage, or even the abuse of your children, all because you find safety in another’s presence, instead of within… This poem was a part of a deep healing process, one of reclaiming and reintegrating that which was stolen, violated, abused and discarded by another… my heart. Time healed me because I went within, let yourself do the same and stop seeking from others that which is already yours, it is what will truly keep you safe.
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